Hooked. Gone phishing ... by a multitude of invitations. I’ve decided to listen to the sirens call.
They’ve been there seemingly forever, calling me, beckoning me with their sweet, sweet caressing voice: “We can make you rich beyond your wildest imagination.”
So, I’ve decided to let them, starting with Gisele Kwafu from Sierra Leone. She wrote – no, she “confided” in me – in an e-mail that her father had been assassinated during “the” (I guess it was the mother of all ...) rebel attack. He was a serving director on the Agro-export board. And a smart man as it turns out. According to Kwafu, before he was murdered he deposited $2,542,380 in a U.S. bank. She can’t get to it; something about family members being mad at her, quarreling, et cetera.
All I’ve got to do then is go get it for her and she will give me half. Half! Can you believe it!
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. My daughter has always been “cuckoo over Cocoa Puffs,” but I didn’t realize every time I bought a box I was investing in stock (so that’s why they’re so expensive). Come to find out I, based on another e-mail, this one from Alex Akiga, I own half of a cocoa plant. My share is $5,000,000! $5,000,000!
And all I have to do is once again get it out of a U.S. bank. (These people – these sirens – are so nice they make it too convenient.)
My wife and daughter love Alaga syrup. I hate it. I’m an Aunt Jemima man. But I love it – Alaga – now. Come to find out, via another e-mail, I’m part owner in a sugar cane plantation in Nigeria. I didn’t even know they had sugar cane in Nigeria (maybe a sugar-rush is some sort of rebel thing). It’s worth another $10,000,000 and my share is again $5,000,000.
Lisa Bonniefield also had a high-ranking – and rich – husband assassinated, as did Lucia Kotoko, Yael Arbel and Julian Kwame (that, the chance someone will kill me, appears to be the only drawback in me being rich). Each one, however, had a husband smart enough (gosh, these guys must have been rocket scientists) to plan ahead and put millions in U.S. banks.
And all they’re asking of me once again is to go get it out for them and once again, half is mine.
It’s that easy!
Four times today alone I’ve received e-mails that my name was picked in the lottery. (And I, having physically played twice, always thought I was unlucky in things like that.) I won $1,298,404.07 in the Spanish lottery, $1,000,000 in euro (I’ll have to get back with them to find out what country), $1,000,000 in the Bangkok Thailand Yahoo!! International Lottery and $2,000,000 in the Swiss lottery (plus they’ll probably throw in a few good watches).
Too old for me to go back to school? Not when you receive an e-mail from the Republic of Benin stating you’ve just been awarded a $915,215 scholarship it isn’t. I think I’ll major in gold because come to find out, I own half of an actual gold mine.
I know. It’s mind-boggling. Most people just take these sorts of e-mails and drag them immediately over to the trashcan (delete them), and for the longest time, that’s what I did.
But then I realized. These are not scams. These people, these charming temptresses and tempters – know me personally.
Does: “Dearest one” sound like an opening for somebody that’s bent on ripping you off? How about: “My love” or: “Bonjour. Je suis Mr Billon Julle Pasteur a l’Eglise EVANGELIQUE DU SUD dans votre ville et je voudrais organiser un voyage dans votre région avec deux de mes collègues pour un séminaire de prière .j’ai appris que les services que vous proposez sont de bonne qualité ainsi je vous envoie ce mail.”
Wow! That still gets me right here. See, that’s much too fancy for a con artist. No, I’m convinced. These are the real deal. (Note: Yippee! Even as I wrote this, three more $1,000,000 beneficiary notices came in, and there’s a guy in the U.K. who wants to give me 25 percent of his multi-million dollar textile company. This just keeps getting better and better.)
I believe the Rev. Paul Marthew of the Baptist (See. He even knew what kind of church I attend.) Church of Christ put it best when he sent me an e-mail saying the church had taken up an $800,000 offering on my behalf. “We want you to know that we have the calling from God to help the needing,” he says.
Well, if it’s needy they’re after, they came to the right Inbox.
