I’m fairly confident that the following conversation takes place every day somewhere in Georgia:
“I’m just not happy anymore. I used to be. I mean, I was excited to be married to her, excited about the prospect of having and raising children together ... even growing old together. But now it’s too hard. We argue over so many things and we don’t even enjoy being together. I just want to be happy again.”
“Well, you deserve to be happy. I hate to say this and hope you’ll forgive me for doing so but ... perhaps it’s time to start over.”
“Are you talking about divorce? I can’t do that. The kids!”
“Sure, it will be hard at first, but they’ll be fine in the long haul. Kids are resilient. And besides, their happiness will return after awhile; but if you don’t get out you might never be happy.”
(With sense of resignation) “Maybe you’re right. Plus, if this thing deteriorates much further, our home environment will be even worse. How damaging will that be for the kids? Living with unhappy parents will really hurt them.” “Right!”
“Ya know, I must admit that I’ve thought about this...but I never wanted to, well, say it out loud. I’ve got to give this some more thought. I just want to be happy again...and I don’t think that can happen in this marriage.” Now, I know words on paper can’t necessarily communicate the depth of despair and frustration expressed in a conversation like this. But there’s a pretty good chance the sentiment expressed in those words are at least vaguely – if not vividly – familiar to you.
Two sincere people – one being honest about his pain, the other genuinely trying to help.
The problem is that the conversation is laced with faulty presuppositions that rob people of hope, poison the attitudes and tones that shape relationships, and ultimately serve as self-fulfilling prophecies.
Faulty presupposition: The marriage will never get better.
The truth: Even terribly unhappy marriages can turn into happy ones.
The National Survey of Marriage and Families reported 77 percent of marriages rated “not good” at some point are rated “good” or “very good” five years later. A strong commitment to marriage as an institution, and a powerful reluctance to divorce, do not merely keep unhappily married people locked in misery together; they help couples form happier bonds. Staying together tends to strengthen the bond. This doesn’t mean that problems vanish entirely; instead that couples develop the skills to deal with them.
Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? Spouses’ stories of how their marriages got happier fell into three broad headings: the marital endurance ethic, the marital work ethic, and the personal happiness ethic.
- In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted problems related to finances, employment, depression, parenting, even infidelity.
- In the marital work ethic, spouses told stories of actively working to solve problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem was solved, the marriage got happier.
- Finally, in the personal happiness ethic, marriage problems did not seem to change that much. Instead married people in these accounts told stories of finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage.
Faulty presupposition: I’m unhappy in marriage. If I can get free of the marriage, I’ll be happier.
The Truth: Divorce doesn’t foster greater happiness. Call it the “divorce assumption.” Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.
A study conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.
Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression or raise self- esteem. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier on average than those who stayed married. “Staying married is not just for the children’s sake ... but results like these suggest the benefits of divorce have been oversold,” said Waite.
Why doesn’t divorce typically make adults happier? The authors of the study suggest that divorcing couples may simply trade one set of problems for another, over which they have little control. These include the response of one’s spouse to divorce; the reactions of children; potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders; new financial or health stresses for one or both parents; and new relationships or marriages with problems of their own.
Faulty presupposition: If I’m unhappy in my marriage, my children may do better if I divorce, because they’ll do better in life if I am not so unhappy. The truth: Children actually benefit from, and are comforted by, the fact – not quality – of your marriage.
The first thing to understand is that less than one-third of divorces occur in high-conflict marriages. And, most parents do not suddenly start getting along after divorce – in fact, most have more conflict following divorce than before.
For marriages where there is a high level of marital discord, divorce (especially a quick one) does not benefit children. Research shows that behavioral and psychological problems do not improve for children whose parents divorced. In fact, the problems are no less than those children whose parents remained together. Even in high conflict households, children show a notable increase in behavioral and psychological problems following divorce. Marital discord is not a statistically significant factor in predicting the psychological well-being of children on into adulthood. Divorce, however, is. Of course there is an important exception here—violence and abuse.
Obviously a spouse and/or child must not remain in a dangerous home. It is always best for them to protect themselves from these terrible circumstances. I don’t believe that most people proceed with divorce lightly. Sometime folks are in pain and other times they’ve just drifted apart. But I do believe that most of us are ill-informed when it comes to the issue of hope. Too often we fail to reach out and grab the hope that awaits us and our children – the hope of a rewarding marriage if we’ll stick with our spouse and weather the storms.
Georgia Family Council is a non-profit organization that works to strengthen and defend the family in Georgia by equipping marriage advocates, shaping laws, preparing the next generation and influencing culture. For more information, go to www.georgiafamily.org, 770-242-0001, stephen@gafam.org.
