Somebody reading this is cheating on their spouse or thinking about it. The odds are with me on that statement. Recognizing the fact that at any given moment there are people wrestling with issues in their marriage, a gentleman in Toronto, Canada, operates a website where affair-minded people can connect. He recently gained attention because his company posted a billboard that says, “Life is short, have an affair.”
The man behind it all claims, “I don’t condemn and I don’t condone.” And, in a remarkable statement of hypocrisy, he also says that he set up his website to give people who want to cheat on their spouses “an honest and open forum” to meet people with whom they can. (Perhaps later he can start a website for people who want to be honest and open with their spouses.) The entire premise of the company is outrageous ... and dangerous.
In fact, I’m so outraged by it that I thought I would write a scathing critique of the man, the website and the message. But I chose a different route because it occurred to me that my message would be expected and perhaps a bit too predictable.
So, I decided to let someone who had an affair tell her story. Hopefully, it will strip away some of the mystique and glamour from what many perceive as being harmless and perhaps even romantic.
Here is what she wrote:
When I heard about this matchmaking website for currently married people, it turned my stomach. Obviously, it will bother a lot of people from a moral sense, or just because it seems to violate common decency. I don’t really feel I have a moral platform to preach from – it is upsetting because I know first- hand the kind of awful pain that affairs bring.
Many times in life, we hurt people we care about. Often, this is unintentional. Sometimes it may be due to oversight or just selfish acts – but this site ... this is pre-meditated pain for people in our lives.
I know most people who end up having affairs don’t think all that much about it ahead of time – they just go with a feeling or an impulse – or maybe they are just trying to meet a need that isn’t being met in their current relationship.
And somehow we allow ourselves to cross over a line, all the while justifying to ourselves that it’ll be brief, no big deal, no one will find out and therefore no harm done. That’s what I thought. And then I lost everything. Spouses almost always find out. And affairs never end well.
There are many reasons why. If it’s just about the physical stuff, then it’s really not worth the risk anyway. Usually at least one party will want more – and then it gets complicated. Then there’s the constant paranoia. The panic attacks that set in anytime the spouse needs to borrow your phone. And then there are the moments of looking at your spouse, or your kids for that matter, knowing what you did – even when they don’t know – and feeling the abject guilt of utter betrayal for such banal and selfish reasons.
Ask yourself this: would this “relationship” or physical encounter with a stranger from a website be worth risking everything? My marriage, my kids, my relatives, my job, my finances? Because it is very likely to cost you all that and more.
And then there’s the question of basic humanity. My guess is that if one spouse is thinking of having an affair, it’s because there’s something going on: an inadequacy in the marriage, some pain they are responding to, deeper issues at play. My advice: this is the worst way to deal with those things. At a minimum, it will take the focus off of what may be legitimate problems and will put the focus squarely on the infidelity. If there are problems in the marriage, there is one decent way to deal with your spouse – honestly. How hollow and how deeply sad is the reality that my life will never be the same. I have lost my husband, his wonderful family, our common friends, all the dreams we had, the chance to actually deal head on with our problems and come out stronger.
I have even lost a sense of my own self. And for what? A temporary physical release? An emotional connection I was lacking in marriage? I have forever wounded so many people – obviously my ex. All of our family and friends and the community who supported us. I even hurt the other party in the affair. That person is human too and can’t help but feel used when it all falls apart. And it always falls apart.
It breaks my heart that people may be lured into thinking that an affair would be no big deal, just a little fun. This website is playing with fire – offering something to people that could ruin their lives and cause so much lasting pain – like a ripple effect –through family and friends. It may shatter children’s understanding of trust, family, fatherhood, motherhood, safety. I had to look my husband in the face as he wept over my betrayal. I had to stand in our driveway for the last time and say goodbye to someone I had at one time pledged my forever to. I had to hear him say goodbye to the dreams and the children we would never realize. I had to mourn the loss of family I would never see again.
And I have had to live with the harsh reality of the volumes of pain and loss I have caused – for myself and more people than you can imagine.
Maybe you can’t seem to care enough about your spouse to guard against an affair. But at least care enough about yourself not to become somebody you are ashamed of, disgusted by. Don’t be someone who hurts people on purpose.
Georgia Family Council is a non-profit organization that works to strengthen and defend the family in Georgia by equipping marriage advocates, shaping laws, preparing the next generation and influencing culture. For more information, go to www.georgiafamily.org, 770-242-0001, stephen@gafam.org.
