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For most of recorded history, marriages were based not on romantic love but on the economic and social advantages of the union. Affection and personal regard were considered unimportant and marriage and divorce were private, civil affairs. However, as churches became more powerful and institutionalized, there were major changes. Marriage took on religious significance and was declared a sacrament and divorce was abolished. Compulsory civil marriage was introduced in Europe in the late 18th Century and the struggle between the authority of the Church and of the State continued for another hundred years. Until well into the 19th Century, informal unions based on mutual consent without any ceremony were common, thus the term “common law marriages.” Common law marriages are recognized in several states in the U.S. In 1908, the great Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw wrote, “When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.” It is not unusual for a couple to plan for a year or more and spend many thousands of dollars on their wedding. Obsessive care is taken with the smallest detail to ensure that everything will be perfect. Unfortunately, the wedding that goes off without a hitch is not necessarily a harbinger of a successful marriage. In fact, about 48% of these happy couples will be divorced within 10 years. Although the presence of children may complicate a decision to separate or divorce, the great majority of them will not even begin to put as much thought and care into planning the dissolution of the union as they did to creating it. The Divorce Recovery Program at Mt. Tabor Presbyterian Church began in 2006, initiated by Associate Pastor Carley Friesen. Divorced herself when her children were teenagers, Carley was acutely aware of the anguish felt by individuals and families, and saw a need within the community for an effective support and recovery program. She has been Associate Pastor at Mt. Tabor Presbyterian for seven years and began thinking about starting a support group a year or so after arriving there. Looking for resources, she discovered a video curriculum, “DivorceCare,” that fit the bill. When a very distressed man called one day to inquire about the recovery group and was told it would start in a few months, he asked, “Why not now?” Galvanized to action, Carley Friesen ordered the video, put notices on Craigslist, divorce-related websites, and on the church bulletin board. The first night, 15 people showed up, most of them from outside the congregation. The program has been running year round since then and now includes a program for children. The first year, the group used the video curriculum. Additional resources have been added, including a book the group reads together, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti. Mt. Tabor’s Program is open to all, regardless of religious preference (or lack thereof) and Carley stresses the group is intended for everyone, not just Christians. To date, all participants have been in heterosexual relationships, but Carley stresses that gays and lesbians would be welcomed. There is a fairly equal distribution of men and women, most of them with children and married or in a domestic partnership for at least 10 years. Although the video resources have a Christian perspective, there is no proselytizing and the book the group uses does not have a particular faith framework. There is an emphasis on the similarities of spiritual paths and experiences. Each session lasts for 15-16 weeks, depending upon the needs of the participants. Meetings begin with introductions, similar to what would be heard at a 12- step meeting. Each person talks for as long as they need to about where they are in their process. One week a chapter from the book will be summarized and discussed. On alternate weeks, the group watches one of the videos which focus on common problems of divorce, such as anger, depression, loneliness, sexuality, money and children. Pastor Friesen believes there is a valid comparison between the emotional states of a divorce and those of a terminal illness. Both experiences can generate shock, denial, anger and depression and not necessarily in an orderly fashion. Then finally, acceptance and forgiveness. Carley says that in most divorces, no matter who decided to leave the marriage, both spouses feel they have been wronged. Participants are urged not to date – especially people in the group – but to focus on support from the group. Although many of them say they will never marry again, most of them will. The issue is building a healthy relationship. Carley recalls an individual who came to the meeting so absorbed with his own pain that he was unable to take in much or to relate to anyone else. Four weeks later he was reaching out to a newcomer. “As people begin to heal,” she says, “the transitions are visible. Even the physical appearance changes.” DivorceCare for Kids was added last fall and aims to help children ages 5-12 cope with the emotions of separation and divorce. Many resources support this effort including a video curriculum, role playing, art, stories, journaling and discussions. The Church would like to start a teen program within the next year even though no curriculum material currently exists for that age group. Statistics state at least 25% of American adults have had one or more divorces during their lifetime. Divorce rates among conservative Christians are significantly higher than for other faith groups, with Baptists strongly in the lead. While about 3/4 of all divorced people remarry, second and third marriages are even more vulnerable, with divorce rates of 61% and 73% respectively. The Divorce Recovery Group at Mt. Tabor Presbyterian Church provides a refuge and a place of healing for families dealing with separation and divorce. The Church is located at 5441 SE Belmont. Meetings are Wednesdays between 7:00 and 9:00 pm. For more information about the adult programs, call Rev. Carley Friesen, 503.234.6493. For the program for children ages 5-12, call Al LePage, 503.335.3876. Care for younger children is available during the meetings.
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